Harry Potter and the Internetian Troll
by Tara's Disiple
Summary: Harry Potter meets a Troll. Voldemort, now back on the Internet, enlists the help of "Ivory Li'ght Sanity Dove Drive." Reviews are highly welcomed.
1. The Warning

Harry Potter and the Internetian Troll

The Warning

Harry Potter, now aged 25 and the head of the MoM's Auror Office, sat in his spacious office in the MoM building. Across from him stood, or rather, floated a ghost of an old man, not unlike Professor Binns, except appearing more alert.

"Newt Scamander." said Harry.

The ghost nodded, its eyes gazing into Harry's.

"Or should I say…Joa—." Harry was cut off by a loud screech. It came from a young pheonix outside the window, which was struggling to satay aloft. "Shut up, Forkes. Fawkes didn't intrude on private meetings, you know." Harry said as he closed the curtains.

The "ghost" smiled, and materialized into a blond woman in her late thirties to her early forties by her look, still smiling.

"Neat charm. Now what business do you have with me?" Harry snapped. "After you wrote that outrageous biography about me?" He added.

"Now, now, calm yourself. It was over a decade since the last book about you was published." The woman said, smiling. "Besides, I was entirely faithful to history, wasn't I?"

"Yes, but I daresay that there would be nothing lost if my affair with Cho Chang wasn't included…" said Harry.

"Anyways, I have came to warn you." the woman said, as her expression tensed. "Recently, s/I herd u liek Mudkipzs/ I have heard that you have enabled internet connection to Muggle websites. That's nothing dangerous in itself. The problem is, there is a high population of Internetian Trolls lurking in the 'net."

"Trolls? Is that all? I thought that you would well remember that I took out a troll with Ron in our _first year_ at Hogwarts." Harry said with a touch of incredulity.

"_Internetian_ Trolls. They are nothing to be afraid of if you can find them, but the trouble is, you can't. They hide behind their own computers, some of which are, somehow, Unplottable and Spell-proof. But their real powers lay in their ability to creep within one's mind, choking it, corroding it… eventually resulting in insanity."

"If it's something like the Imperius Curse, then it could be counteracted. I'm actually thinking of a program to promote will-power in children. Remember what Mad-eye, I mean, Barty Crouch Jr. did to me in our Fourth year?" said Harry.

"I see that you're not convinced of their highly dangerous nature. Then heed my final piece of advice, Harry Potter: Whatever you do, do _not_ go on .net. Do _not._" As the woman said this, she turned back into the ghost of Newt Scamander, and disappeared without a trace.

"" Harry muttered to himself. "Couldn't be more dangerous than Voldemort, could it?"

Following "Joa"'s visit, Harry immediately went to the Muggle Relations Office and acquired a laptop computer. Harry nonchalantly entered the URL, not expecting anything more than a joke or a photograph (of the Muggle variety) of Lord Voldemort. However, fear began to grow in him, as the 470,924 entries under the series sharing his name met his eyes. Harry clicked on the title with the most reviews.

What he saw made lose his sanity.

It was like a Lovecraftian horror, but worse…

Harry screamed. "No!"

Hear the scream, his bodyguards Aurors rushed in, and found the head of the Auror Office with his hands over his head, muttering gibberish.

"No… no… it can't be… It can't be!"

"Sir, are you alright?" one of the Aurors asked.

Upon hearing this, Harry looked up. The Aurors were alarmed to see a mad smirk that was spookily reminscent of Lord Voldemort on his face.

"Uh oh." One of the Aurors said.

Harry blased them aside with a curse, and without a word, flung himself out the open window of his office.

The Aurors recovered, thanks to their Shield Hats, and rushed to the window to see what had become of their superior. Harry was lying facedown on the ground, having sustained a eight-story fall, but seemed otherwise unharmed as there was an unusual abscense of blood.

"You know, if he wanted to kill himself, he could've just used the _Avada Kedavra_." said one Auror to the other.


	2. The Site

The Site

Harry Potter was sent to St. Mungo's Hospital of Magical Injuries and Maladies, and the healers found no lasting damage to his body. The connection to Muggle websites have again be severed, due to their "potentially dangerous nature", according to a spokesman of the Muggle Relations Office. However, the news of Chosen One's outburst had spread like a wildfire, and people were again speaking of the possible return of Lord Voldemort. But those who have fought the Dark Lord himself knew better, and hurried to visit Harry. Ron, Hermione, along with the faculty of Hogwarts, the Weaselys, the D.A. and the remaining members of the Order of the Pheonix came to his bedside. Of course, Ginny came too, but was beside herself with grief. Hermione even brought the portraits of Albus Dumbledore, and to his great displeasure, Severus Snape.

"I told you to _not_ bring me!" bellowed Snape from his portrait. "I still hate him, as much as when the Dark Lord was still in the height of his power!"

"Severus, Potter had been affected by a powerful piece of Muggle weaponry, fenfiction-dot-web or something of the sort." said McGonagall severely over an unconscious Harry. "And although I hold you renewed esteem for your services to Dumbledore, I would like you to SHUT UP!" she barked.

"Yes—wait, what? Did you just say ?" Snape's portrait asked, to everyone's surprise.

"Something of the sort." McGonagall shrugged.

"It couldn't be…wait here." Snape murmured, more to himself than anyone else.

"So…what is this business?" asked Neville.

"," Kingsley said, in his deep, reassuring voice, though his expression wasn't nearly as reassuring. "is a site where fanfictions, or fanfics are posted." He paused, as everyone as stared at him. "And fanfics are, stories written by fans, which is short for fanatics.

"Now if you remember, there was this charming lady who wrote about us in Harry's biography. Apparently it was immensely popular among Muggles, so popular that I had to modify the Prime Minister's memory and change my own appearance through a particularly nasty spell. It was nothing harmful in itself, as we have on purpose fed the author the wrong locations—like Grimmauld Place number eleven and the Sturdy Cauldron. However, it sparked the imagination of many fanatics, who have taken our lives into their own hands and wrote sotries about us, some of which are exceptionally well-written, others which I would rather have Lord Voldemort back than read.

"Some of them are plainly outrageous, only keeping our appearances and names and warping our personalities. I remember one which had Ronald here as a Death Eater."—Ron stared—"Some have odd, even downright disgusting pairings, pairings as in marriage, which may involve two males. There was an exceptionally nasty one chronicling your affair with Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Longbottom."—Kingsley stared at a dumbstruck Neville—"Yes, you and Mr. Malfoy, Neville.

"Anyway, according to my sources at the Ministry, most of these fanfics are written by what's known as Internetian Trolls, creatures who use the internet to feed off the anger of other, er, Netizens. They have been not much of a threat lately, but one Troll which dubs itself Tara had proven to be extremely dangerous with her abilities. So far it had already provoked the rage of many Muggles, and is growing stronger by the minute as we speak. I have reasons to believe"—He paused for dramatic effect—"That Harry here had fallen victim to Tara's handiwork."

"But…those Muggles. Do they go crazy after reading this Tara's fanficksion?" Asked Ron.

"Well, no. But if you read something about yourself that's so close to slander, you would lose your sanity too." said Kingsley. "Forty-four chapters of it."

Just as everyone stood in silence around Harry, pondering about what Kingsley had said, Snape was suddenly back inside his frame, his greasy hair askew and looking disheveled.

"It's true." He gasped. "Tara's behind this. And if I had a real brain—oh shut up, Weasely" Snape said as he noticed Ron trying to contain a fit of laughter. "—I would've gone insane, too."

"Thank you, Severus." said Kinglsey. "So I would strongly suggest against reading it. Anyone who was in any way mentioned in Harry's biography is not safe from Tara."

The crowd nodded and murmured their consent. They slowly disappeared, by ones, or couples, until only Ron, Ginny and Hermione remained.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" asked Ginny, sounding concerned.

"He'll be fine." said Ron, though not sounding very sure. "I mean, he survived a killing curse, didn't he?"

"Let's hope so." said Hermione.

And together, they left Harry's ward.

Harry woke up in the middle of the night. At first, all he saw was the white ceiling. Then a girl, an incredibly s/beautifuls/ ugly s/girls/ who knows what appeared out of nowhere and walked to Harry's bedside. She had long s/ebonys/ white hair with s/purples/ orange streaks and s/reds/ green tips that flowed like s/liquid darknesss/ spilt glue and s/purple winds/ faulty neon lights, ending with s/rose petals of finest qualitys/ chunks of green construction paper. She had eyes of an s/icy blues/ contact lens red and s/extremely long, prettys/ short, stubby eyelashes. She was wearing a s/black leather miniskirts/ white, ankle-length dress and a s/very revealing corsets/ heavy overcoat with s/lacess/ holes, over her s/D-cup, perky, supples/ artificial, otherwise flat chest. She also wore s/pink fishnets and combat bootss/ nothing in particular to match.

"Hello." The girl said, revealing her s/sparklingly white fangs, which are exceptionally straight for a vampires/ crooked and yellow teeth. Her name was s/FILL IN MARY SUE-IAN NAME HEREs/ Ivory Li'te Sanity Dove Drive.

"No…No!" Harry screamed.

"Stupefy! Impendimentia! Expelliarmus!" Harry fired one curse after another at the "girl", but they simply passed through her.

"Sectumsempra! Incendio! Avada Kedavra!" Nothing happened to the girl, but Harry grew more and more frantic.

"Aguamenti! Wingardium Leviosa! Fyndfire!" Harry realized what he had done—as a flaming serpent erupted from his wand, followed by a dragon, a chimera, and a cerberus. The girl disappeared, leaving Harry Potter, the Boy who lived, to his demise.

"Oops." said Harry, before the cursed fire consumed him.

Elsewhere, in a chatroom in a forgotten corner of the internet, words appeared, sent by "l0rd Voldymort".

"well done, ebony."

"or was it Tara?"


End file.
